I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
