my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
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