Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Randomize
