no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
