I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
