i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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