Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
