So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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