My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Dick very happy bro
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize