And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
