Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
