Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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