got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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