Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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