R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
