I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We have started to decorate penises.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
