Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
