We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
