I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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