people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize