Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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