First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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