i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
