mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
