shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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