I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
