Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
