I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
