just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
