Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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