I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
