if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
