I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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