I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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