I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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