I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
