I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
