Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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Sorry girllllllllU hasn't picked any favorites yet.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"

Fav 19 6772 1163
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it

Fav 10 2862 1008
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(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

Fav 20 8427 1469
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(410): View more from Maryland

Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls

Fav 4 2839 1002
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(201): View more from New Jersey

I stole a fireplace last night.

Fav 15 2668 1396
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(916): View more from California

Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy

Fav 1 1212 694
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(908): View more from New Jersey

I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.

Fav 6 1606 735
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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.

Fav 2 272 97
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(330): View more from Ohio

My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.

Fav 0 39 16
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