I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
