He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
