Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
