i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
