Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
