I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
