I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
