Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
