She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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