if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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