Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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