I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Houston, we have a blender
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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