Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
