Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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