Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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