either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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