great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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