Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
