No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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