I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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