I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
