i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
