she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
