Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
