dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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