I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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