have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
