dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
