True but thats because hes a fetus.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
