Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
