im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize