ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
