hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
