im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
